The coronavirus not only stopped the world, it changed the way we spend time with ourselves. The days of isolation in Stockton are long, the sunset has lost its magic and nature is no longer so green. Still, I've learned to live, fight and reconcile with myself. Thanks to Mariana and my friends the confinement has been a little less hard and every day I tried to live it to the fullest.
Being trapped in the middle of a forest has its advantages. In the morning I see the sun shining through my window and the singing of the birds fills my ears. At midday, on the way to the restaurant, the ducks and their babies show me a good time. In the afternoon, Arthur visits me, he is a little animal that plays in the courtyard in the afternoon. At nightfall, the stars come out and illuminate me with their light and the moon is whiter than ever. Compared to other places, here everything is calm and I have the option to go for a walk without being in danger. That has reassured me a little, although it hasn't made the anxiety go away.
I am very worried about the future, mine and the world's. It's been days since I stopped reading the news. My head was full of ideas and my daily dose of information is only what is needed. Insomnia is my new partner. Since this began, I have not been able to fall asleep and if I do I open my eyes very early to not close them again. Little things stress me out a lot and writing has become more difficult. Concentrating on one thing is almost impossible and computer meetings just make me desperate. Still I try everyday to make peace with myself. I have started my own blog and telling my stories makes me happy. Exercising every morning clears my mind. Eating wings with sauce has made my stomach feel better. I think this quarantine has taught me to live with anxiety as a permanent guest, to let it accompany me but not consume me.
The project makes me very happy. Everything is going well and I am very excited about what is coming. I enjoy online story circles and making storybooks is my favorite activity. Designing the book has kept me very busy and the blog posts are the only thing I've been able to write. My Korean lessons are a challenge that gives me headaches but fills me with happiness when I understand. I started a very interesting online course at Harvard. I've read enough to change books every week and my mailbox is constantly empty. These are achievements that fill me with pride.
Living alone has been an enriching experience. I had already experienced it in Mexico but I had never been on my own during a pandemic. I'm the one who has to clean everything up and my OCD makes me happy while I wash the dishes or organize my shoes. Cooking is a challenge I haven't taken on yet but I can see it coming. When I go out for food, I take a list with me and when I come back, organizing the refrigerator is the best plan. I love that my house smells delicious so I've started trying new fragrances. My favourite band, Seventeen, sounds all day long and I dance alone down the hall. I've learned new choreographies and discovered albums by artists I didn't know I liked. My skin care routine is my testing ground and I have tried to change it every week. It sounds silly but being able to move things around in my house is an event in my day.
Not having any contact with people other than my friends is strange. The only people I see are those at the restaurant, who are always happy to see me. The man who serves us lunch usually tells me about his life and has been practicing his Spanish so as not to miss out on the quarantine. We are the reason they keep hiring him and thanks to the fact that we are stuck here, his wife doesn't worry about the food. Sometimes I don't realize how lucky I am to have safe food and shelter Every time I think about this I become more convinced that the coronavirus is merciless to some.
That is life in isolation for me. It is full of contradictions, ups and downs, successes and mistakes; it is just like living. I'd be lying if I said I am completely happy. After seeing my dog's face on my cell phone, I feel a deep sadness but it is temporary. I think I'm getting to know myself every day and that's good. I don't know how long I'll be stuck in the United States and I don't know if this is going to end either. The only thing I know for sure is that the person who went into isolation is not the same person who will come out.